The future for students

Hey all, haven't been on in a while, but I'm here to talk to you about the sad trend, or un-sad trend (depending on ur outlook on it), of Ivy League Acceptance rates. First let me start off by saying that I am in no way bitter of the way their admission committee's treat their prospective students like robots, but rather just appaled by how hypocritical our society has become regarding a "good school". As parents, we all want to send our kids to the cream of the crop, but now good grades aren't any sort of assurance or guarantee that our kids will go there. As of right now, about 12-13% is the average acceptance rate for good schools such as Brown, Stanford(which might actually be more like 11%), and Cornell. Just for shits and giggles, I decided to blog about what a future, let's say the year 2015, might say.



Dear Student:

We are so pleased that you are considering to apply to the University of the Impossible! Each year thousands of students matriculate through our many world class colleges, and they all agree that the experience and knowledge they gained here, helped them immenseley in their future careers! In fact, you can read testimonials of current students who did interviews for prospective students, just like you! So what's it like at the University of the Impossible? Well that's a hard question, as many of our students have differing perspectives on the everyday life, as our students are from all over the world, and such diversity adds to the perspectives of many. Our world class teachers have been in school since they were taken out of their mother's womb, taking calculus at an average age of 12. So as a result of such devotion, they relate to students just as much as students relate to them!

Requirements:

This is a very tough question to answer, as each semester we recieve thousands of applicants who have perfect transcripts, with no blemishes whatsoever! In fact, of the 100,000 applicants we receieve each year, roughly half have G.P.A.'s over 4.0, with SAT Scores averaging 2400. Since we have spaces for only 1,000 students, that makes our admission rate "1%". Though we would never boast about our competiveness, secretly we love rejecting students with perfect records, as it makes us feel better inside about ourselves, as to how much power we have, and we laugh at how alot of these kids spend their whole lives behind books, and it all usually leads to a state college with a bunch of alcoholics and druggies. At the University of the Impossible, we pride ourselves on how impossible it is to get in this university, and yet how many people continue to think they have a chance to win the lottery. Unfortunately, if you don't have money or over-zealous parents, you will not attend this institution, and should therefore not set your goals very high. We aren't in the age where we can go to a good school with just good grades, you need to be in every club invented, while inventing some on the way, you need to be an athlete and excel in every sport you play in, and you also need to have a part time job on the side so we know you are motivated. Obviously, getting perfect grades isn't always easy with all of these responsibilities, but our students have accomplished all of this, on top of helping their neighbors take out the trash!


Obviously, they would not write probably any of this stuff in the real thing, but I can guess that in the future, Ivy League and Private Schools will not take any applicants with less than a 4.0 GPA, as ludicrous as that sounds, they do need to weed people out, and the only way to weed them out is to make the standards perfect, because isn't that what they're looking for in the end? Yes.